Shinji vs the Nazi Vampires in Space
by Mister Cynical
Summary: The B-stories ride again! You know the deal by now, folks. If the title makes you laugh, this one's probably for you.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own anything.

Shinji vs. the Nazi Vampires in Space

Gendo sipped his drink and stretched. It had been a while since things around NERV had been so quiet. "I really should send Sohryu to go get fucked on a weekly basis." The door opened and Kozo walked in. "This is kind of nice, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Kozo agreed, "although Sohryu has caused quite a stir with her stories of your son."

"Meh." Gendo finished his drink and went hunting through the liquor cabinet under his desk. The door banged open suddenly and Gendo jerked upright, slamming his head into his desk. "Fuck!" He straightened up more carefully and was relieved to see that it was his regular aide. "Hey Chuck."

"Hey boss," Chuck returned. "We've got a serious problem." Gendo sighed and went back to rooting around in his cabinet before finding a bottle of Jack Daniels Single Barrel. He poured a tall glass and finished a good half in one go.

"What is it this time?"

"We received a report from the station," Chuck stated. "They came under hostile contact a few minutes ago."

"What kind of hostile contact?" Gendo demanded. "They're in space for fuck's sake and nobody even knows that!"

"We don't know," Chuck stated. "We lost contact mid-transmission."

"Oh." Gendo finished his glass and poured another one. "Wait a minute. Wasn't Rei on the station?"

"Yes sir, Colonel Ayanami was inspecting the Station before the mission next week."

"Scramble Section-2!" Gendo roared. "I want Rei back here now!"

"Section-2 isn't qualified for space operations," Chuck stated. Gendo's eye ticked.

"Get me Shinji Ikari!"

"Don't you mean, 'call Shinji Ikari for me because he might recognize my voice and tell me to go fuck myself?" Chuck asked.

"Uh. . .yeah," Gendo admitted.

(:ii:)

"Shinji!" Shinji snorted and rolled over. "God damn it Shinji! Open this fucking deadbolt!" Shinji sat up in his bed and stared blearily at the door.

"Who's that?" Shinji glanced to his left and stared at the blond lying next to him. "Oh my God! You're married aren't you? That's your wife, isn't it?"

"No. Worse." Shinji staggered to his feet and made his way to the door. He unlatched the two dead bolts and cursed as the door slammed open and into his face.

"When the hell did you install deadbolts?" Yuki demanded.

"I got sick of your bursting in and freaking out my one night stands," Shinji groaned as he pinched his nose. "The cursing and pounding managed to do that anyway." Yuki glanced at the wide-eyed woman in the bed. "Now what the hell do you want?"

"I have a job for you," Yuki stated.

"No more jobs," Shinji groaned. "I just finished all those jobs for the French." He paused, thinking back to the failed French attempt for world domination. "At least they paid up front."

"Mostly," Yuki corrected. "Damn it! Stop looking like I'm going to hurt you!" she spat at the blond.

"Don't kill me!" the blond squeaked. "I didn't know he was married!" Yuki stared at her.

"What?" She glanced at Shinji. "You think. . .you think that me and him. . .you, what?" Yuki started laughing. Shinji thought about it as well and began chuckling. "I'm not married to that!"

"Oh. So, she's your boss or something?"

"Something," Shinji stated. "She just files my contracts. Anyway, what the hell makes you think that I'm going on another job? We just had a world war. . .well, maybe a world gang bang on France is more exact, but who cares? I'm rich now!"

"It won't last long with the way you throw around money," Yuki pointed out.

"I'll take a job when I'm broke again," Shinji stated.

"This contract is worth a lot of money," Yuki stated. "You have one of the few teams that are qualified to handle this." Shinji paused, his pants at his knees. That didn't sound like your everyday run and gun job.

"What is it?"

"It's another anonymous job," Yuki stated. "They put down half up front and it's already twice as much as we made on the last job."

"What is this job?"

"It's not so much the job as the location," Yuki stated.

"Stop being so fucking mysterious!" Shinji snapped as he buckled his pants.

"You have an hour to get to that space tourism center in Brussels," Yuki stated as she walked towards the door. "Congratulations, you're about to conduct the first mercenary operation in space."

"Ooh. Shinji Ikari, Space Mercenary, no. Shinji Ikari, Mercenary of Space. I like the sound of that. I need to get business cards."

"I knew you'd like it."

(:ii:)

Shinji stared up at the spaceship before him giddily. "This is just like Christmas!"

"I know!" Paulsen squealed. "What do you think, Boss? Should we take the Mk. 17s again?"

"Too much recoil," Shinji stated. "How about something caseless? More rounds for the same kick."

"Mercs, M29 ATARs or M41As?" Shinji turned and stared at the three weapons the other man held.

"We're supposed to be fighting in a space station," he commented. "Do you really think that bringing a gun loaded with 10mm HE is a good idea?"

"Maybe not," Paulsen replied as he set down the M41A. "Plus, if you've got a 30mm grenade launcher, you've just got to use it, right?"

"Right," Shinji replied. "And there's no way in hell I'm using a 4.5mm rifle, so the ATARs are out." Paulsen nodded. "Mercs with the 12-gauges."

"Sidearms?"

"M590 hand-portable system," Shinji stated. "I want something that makes a big boom if we need it." Paulsen grinned broadly, then frowned and looked around.

"What the hell is that God-awful racket?" Shinji glanced around as well, trying to pinpoint the source of the incessant buzzing that was starting to give him a headache.

"Over there," he declared. Paulsen turned and stared at the figure coming towards them.

"Is that Asa on a moped?"

"Guess he thought gas prices were too high," Shinji replied.

"Fucking Jew," Paulsen grumbled.

"Hey," Shinji snapped, "you can only make jokes like that if you're the opposing minority."

"Really?" Paulsen asked.

"I guess," Shinji replied. "I mean, I know a lot of black guys who ride the white man, but start calling racism if the white man says anything."

"But, everybody busts on the Jews," Paulsen protested. "It's like, an international hobby or something."

"Next you're going to start on Zionist conspiracies," Shinji groaned, rubbing his temples. Paulsen's mouth opened to say something, but Shinji cut him off. "If the Jews really ran the world, do you think the global economy would be this bad?" Paulsen's jaw closed with an audible click as he thought about that one.

"So, what's this big surprise you told me about, Boss?" Shinji turned and grinned as he saw Asa walking towards him.

"We have a new job," Shinji stated. "We're going to space." Asa's face lost all color and he stared at the spaceship.

"I hate flying! What the fuck makes you think I'm going to space?"

"I have a hunch," Shinji stated as Greaves snuck up behind the man and promptly butt stroked him.

"Nyargh!" Shinji grinned as the leader of his second team slumped and went down face first.

"Good boy Greaves," Shinji replied as he dug a treat out of his pocket and gave it to the American before scratching him behind his ear. "Now go load him up."

"Right Boss!" Shinji turned and noticed a large white van speeding towards him. It screeched to a halt and the rest of his team piled out.

"Please tell me this is what it looks like!" Bowski squealed.

"We're going to space!" Shinji exclaimed. That led to several loud squeals of joy.

"Did you guys just hear that?" Shinji turned and saw Yuki walking out of the spaceship. "It sounded like a bunch of teenage girls just got told they were going to meet the band."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Shinji stated with great dignity.

"Oh." Yuki watched as Greaves dragged Asa into the shuttle. "You know, it might be easier to get him to seek help for his phobia instead of knocking him senseless every time he needs to fly." Shinji scratched chin and considered that.

"You know what?" he asked. "I don't think that doing the right thing for him would be the right thing for all of us. I think we'll stick with what works for now."

"Whatever," Yuki grumbled.

"So, what's the Captain's name?" Shinji asked.

"Cuervo!" Yuki exclaimed happily. "Finally, a normal pilot."

"That wouldn't be Jose Cuervo, would it?" Shinji asked.

"I think so," Yuki answered. "Why?"

"You don't drink much Tequila, do you?" Shinji asked.

"Oh, no! I have a bad history with Tequila. I haven't touched the stuff since college."

"Whatever," Shinji stated. Yuki stared at him blankly.

"Alright. Get everyone loaded up so I can begin the briefing."

"You heard her!" Shinji cried. "Load up! We're going to space!" There was a loud cheer and a stampede for the boarding ramp.

(:ii:)

Shinji twitched relentlessly in his seat as the television screens on the wall showed real time video of the Earth falling away. "Alright ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. At this time we will disengage from our booster plane and begin our final ascent into orbit. There will be a noticeable jolt, but don't worry, its perfectly normal."

"I'm going to kill you all!" Asa wailed. Somebody hit him again and he fell silent once more with one last loud "Nyargh!" A bone-jarring jolt shook them all and Shinji watched eagerly as the world fell away even quicker.

"We're weightless!" someone cheered.

"I don't feel so good," someone else added.

"If anybody pukes, I'm going to make them eat it!" one of the stewardesses snapped. Someone in the back of the ship swallowed noisily.

"This is your captain again," the ship's captain reported, "we have reached our orbiting altitude and you are now free to move around the cabin if necessary." Shinji immediately reached for his buckle, but a hand smacked his away.

"I don't think so," Yuki snapped. "None of you move!" She unbuckled herself and floated easily into the aisle. "Alright, everybody listen up. The reason why I interrupted your vacation. . ."

"Again!" Shinji interrupted. "And who says you can brief my men!" He unbuckled himself and cursed as he floated out of his seat. After a moment of awkward twisting and snickers, the first from Shinji and the second from everyone else, Shinji managed to take his place in the aisle.

"You're just pissed that I scared away another of your one night stands," Yuki stated.

"Well. . .yeah!" Shinji snapped. "Did you see the knockers on that one?"

"They were nice," Yuki admitted.

"They were very nice," Shinji corrected. "Anyway, listen up! This is a rescue mission. We're heading for a top-secret space station in search of some blue-haired chick."

"Who owns the station?" Paulsen asked.

"I guess whoever's paying us," Shinji stated.

"Does anybody know what we're rescuing her from?" Mao asked.

"Nope," Shinji replied. "

"Aliens again?" Mao asked. Shinji frowned at that.

"Have we ever fought aliens before?" he asked.

"That thing Weyland-Yutani sent us after was an alien," Jalal answered.

"The one with acid blood?" Shinji asked. Jalal nodded. "I thought that thing was a lab experiment, or their answer to Umbrella's BOWs or something."

"Nope," Mao stated, "totally an alien."

"Well, I'll be damned. Gotta add 'alien killer' to those business cards," Shinji muttered. "Also, since we're so far from help, I decided to bring in a new man. This is Doctor Nick."

"Hi, everybody!" Doctor Nick yelled, turning in his seat to wave at Shinji's team.

"Hi Doctor Nick!" everybody, even Yuki and the stewardesses, yelled back.

"This is going to be a great job," Shinji decided. "Right Kenny?"

"Mrph," Kenny agreed through his ever-present orange neoprene balaclava.

"You can say that again."

"Mrph."

"We're coming up on the station's orbit, Captain," one of the stewardesses reported.

"Uh, thanks," Shinji replied. He shot a glance at Mana. "Captain?" he hissed.

"They think you're a UN special operations team," Mana whispered back. "As long as they believe that, they're going to charge the UN for this little trip."

"What will the UN say?"

"They can't keep track of shit," Mana stated. "I used to work with those idiots. They'll just pay the bill without asking questions." Shinji stared at the woman.

"You're devious."

"I'm a woman," Mana stated simply.

"Yeah and for once, that's actually working in our favor."

(:ii:)

Shinji watched absently as his suit's heads up display reported that all systems were green. "Everyone good?" His team counted off in succession.

"Good luck, Shinji." Shinji frowned and tried to glance over his shoulder at Mana before realizing that his suit kept him from doing that.

"What's that for?" he demanded over the open com network.

"Well," Mana began, "this is going to be a very dangerous job. I just figured that I should wish you luck. Don't worry about me though; I've already got another job lined up if you all die horrible deaths."

"Women," somebody grumbled. With that, the ship's airlock's out door opened and Shinji pushed off into the emptiness beyond.

"Don't forget Asa!" he called back.

"I got him Boss," Jalal replied. Shinji's fellow team leader was currently tethered to Jalal by a long rope wrapped around his neck. Jalal gave the rope a tug. "Come along my pet Jew."

"Why did we give the Muslim the Jew on a rope?" Paulsen asked. "That just sounds like its going to end badly."

"Oh please, Jalal isn't a real Muslim, he enjoys the partaking of booze and pigs way too much," Shinji pointed out.

"Hey, fuck you!"

"There is that video we have of him and Asa having that pulled-pork sandwich eating contest," Bowski commented.

"You taped that?" Jalal shrieked in horror. "I just want everyone to know, my mom is dead."

"She lives in Idaho. Next door to Asa's mom actually."

"Fuck." Shinji decided that floating pointlessly in space was rather. . .well. . .pointless at the moment so he thumbed the controls for the tiny booster pack on his back and shot towards the space station with a small burst of compressed air. "You know, no one has made any Christian jokes yet."

"The Christians do a better job making fools of themselves without us commenting on it," Shinji replied. "Besides, molestation jokes kind of seem like they're in bad taste, you know?"

"Good point," Jalal admitted.

"So that's it," Reinhardt murmured, a silence falling over the team. "Odd looking thing, isn't it?" The station was made of a long central shaft attached to the surrounding rings by a single thin tunnel each that barely looked strong enough to hold them in place. There was also an escape shuttle anchored at each end of the shaft.

"Why aren't there any lights on?"

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Mao commented. Shinji ignored them both and carefully reached for the small computed mounted on his left wrist. Experience had long ago taught him how sudden movements in space were a good way to send a man tumbling off course like an idiot. He flipped up the computer's protective cover and grinned. The screen told him that it had already accessed the station's system. He punched in the entry code he had been given and a rectangle of light opened up in the station's otherwise silhouetted large main ring.

"Alright," Shinji rasped, carefully unslinging his Merc rifle as he drew closer to the entryway. "No more goofing off until we've secured the site. First team goes in first, second waits for our signal. Doctor Nick, you stay with Second Team."

"Okay, everybody!" Doctor Nick replied.

"Copy," Bowski replied as second team's leader because the real second team's leader, Asa, had been gagged inside his armored spacesuit with a length of duct tape. Shinji slipped into the airlock and waited as the other three members of his team followed him in. Once they were ready, Shinji punched the access code into the screen on the wall and the outer door closed. Slowly, gravity took hold and pulled Shinji to the ground.

"Artificial gravity's still on," Mao stated.

"Yeah," Shinji grunted as he consulted his computer again. "Lights are out. Night vision's a go. There's no light inside, so expect thermal primarily. Standard clearing procedure."

"Flash or frag?" Mao asked as he took his position near the door.

"Negative," Shinji stated. "I'm not showing any thermal signatures. I'm killing the lock's lights." The lights went out and Shinji's HUD immediately switched to night vision, the tiny amount of light from the keypad as well as the infrared light on his rifle provided more than enough light to see by. "On my mark." Shinji punched in the first few numbers, stopping at the last. "Three. . .two. . .one. . .mark." He punched the button and the doors opened.

Reinhardt pivoted right, Paulsen took left and Mao moved straight up the middle with Shinji close behind, checking the ceiling.

"Oh, not again," Reinhardt complained. "Right side clear."

"Left side clear," Paulsen added. "It's never a good thing when we show up and everybody is already dead."

"Front clear," Mao stated.

"Overhead clear." Shinji lowered his weapon and sighed as he spied the bodies littering the floor. "Oh Christ. I am so sick of these shenanigans."

"At least these ones aren't all torn up again," Mao commented. He grabbed one of the bodies that had been leaning against the wall. The head promptly tumbled from its shoulders. "Oops, never mind." Shinji sighed again and punched his radio's push to talk button.

"Come on in guys. You aren't going to like this one."

(:ii:)

Asa jerked off his helmet as the pressure equalized and ripped the duct tape away from his mouth. "You ass holes!" he spat. The three members of his team plus Doctor Nick just stared at him. "Oh, right, you can't hear me, can you?"

"I can read lips," Greaves replied over the radio.

"So many talents, such a small fucking brain," Bowski commented. The inner door opened and they climbed up into another slaughter house.

"Oh, God damn it," Asa grumbled.

"Hi Headless Bodies!" Doctor Nick exclaimed. Much to Asa's relief, none of the implicated bodies responded.

"Zombies again?" Bowski asked.

"This ain't zombies," Shinji stated. "What do you think Doc?"

"They have lost a great deal of blood," Doctor Nick reported. "Ya?"

"Ya," Shinji replied in a tone he hoped made it obvious that decapitated bodies usually lost a great deal of blood.

"Look, look! Where did all ze blood go?" Shinji wondered why the man was speaking with a German accent all of the sudden. "Do you see anything? How does your modern science explain zat? Can you explain zat?"

"I can't explain zat," Shinji replied. "Zat's. . .that's why you're here. Kenny, stay with him. Everybody else, buddy up. We're sweeping this shit hole from top to bottom. There will be no surprises this time and as little stupidity as possible."

"Why's everybody looking at me?" Greaves asked.

"I'm looking at both of you," Shinji stated, moving his accusing finger between Greaves and Reinhardt.

"What I'd do?" Reinhardt protested.

"So, it wasn't you throwing zombies into rooms in Afghanistan?" Shinji asked.

"Oh, that," Reinhardt replied as he scratched the back of his helmet sheepishly.

"Yeah, that," Shinji stated. "Six decks. Jalal and Bowski will guard the main elevator on this level. This will be our fallback position if the shit hits the fan. Divide and conquer boys, everybody takes a ring, just don't forget that we're here to save a princess."

"Let's just hope this one isn't a pain in the ass like that Asuka chick," Asa commented.

"Yeah," Shinji agreed with a dreamy smile. "She did have a sweet ass."

"And the Boss is officially in his own world again," Bowski commented. "This is why we can never hire women for our team."

"And here I was thinking it was because they'd end up throwing themselves at the Boss like all women seem to do," Mao stated.

"All except Yuki," Greaves stated.

"She's gay," Mao pointed out.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Shinji cut in. "And she's pissed that I get all the chicks with big knockers. That's why she's always scaring away my one night stands. Let's go folks. I do not want to be bum rushed by the mother fucking undead again."

"Actually, zombies are the walking dead," Asa stated. "Vampires are the undead."

"You don't say," Shinji replied.

(:ii:)

Shinji pushed his knife between the elevator doors and glanced across the elevator shaft at Mao. Mao nodded and Shinji wrenched the doors open. Mao pulled himself out of the hatch easily in main elevator's weak gravity and swept the connecting tunnel leading from the main elevator shaft to the level's ring. Shinji followed him, the artificial gravity getting stronger as they moved outward, and looked around. "Holy shit. How many fuckers were on this station?"

"Well, this lot makes thirty along with the guys we already ran into," Mao stated. "I bet this station could support a few hundred. Who needs a few hundred men in a secret space station?"

"More importantly, for what?" Shinji asked.

"That is a good question," Mao stated. "You want left or right?"

"Left," Shinji replied as they moved through the hatch out into the level's outer ring where the gravity was much closer to normal. "See you on the other side." Shinji shouldered his Merc and started down the left side of the ring, sweeping the hallway with his weapon's infrared laser. He was halfway around the circle before his earpiece crackled.

"Contact!"

"Hostile?" Shinji demanded as he spun on his heel and charged back the way he had come.

"Don't know!" Mao snapped. "Fuck. Fast as hell. Engage?"

"Is it our princess?" Shinji demanded.

"Can't tell. Fuck!"

"Mao?" Shinji slung his Merc and drew the heavy M590 pistol from its holster on his thigh as he came upon a rather strange scene. Mao's attacker had the tiny, pissed off Chinaman in a rather complicated come along hold. "Freeze!" Shinji roared, raising his weapon with one hand as he reached into the pouch on his left hip for a glow stick. He smashed it across his thigh and dropped it as it burst into brilliant white light. "Oh, that's brilliant Mao."

"Shut the fuck up!" Mao gritted.

"Release my subordinate," Shinji ordered, his voice booming through his suit's speakers.

"Remove your helmet," the woman ordered, her voice being picked up by Shinji's suit's external microphones. She was too hidden in Mao's shadow for Shinji to make out much. Shinji sighed and tapped the tracker on his M590 with his trigger finger.

"You know what this is?" Shinji asked.

"It's an M590," the woman stated. "I didn't know they were issue yet."

"They aren't," Shinji stated. "We have friends on the inside." The blue tracking ring appeared on the woman's forehead and turned red. "You try anything, I'm going to put an explosive round in your head. Deal?"

"Deal," the woman replied. "Your helmet, now." Shinji carefully broke his suit's O-ring connector at his throat and pulled off his helmet before clipping it to his back.

"Now, you release my man."

"Open your mouth," the woman ordered.

"Oh, fuck me rigid," Mao groaned. "That just figures. Do you give off pheromones or something?"

"Not that I know of," Shinji stated before opening his mouth. The woman stared at him carefully before releasing Mao, who staggered forward and began rubbing his arm. "Care to explain?"

"I thought you were them," the woman replied as she stepped into the glow stick's light, revealing short blue hair and crimson eyes.

"You look familiar," Shinji stated. The woman stared at him as well.

"Ikari?"

"Rei?" The blue-haired woman stared at him with an unreadable look.

"Is there a single woman on this planet that you don't know?" Mao demanded as he jerked his helmet off. "Now how about something more important, like what the fuck did you think we were?"

"Vampires of course," Rei stated.

"Vampires," Shinji repeated. "Right."

"I didn't believe it at first, either," Rei stated.

"Who the fuck said I don't believe you?" Shinji demanded. He hit his radio's push to talk. "Listen up! This is Ikari. Everyone back to the airlock we came in through. Me and Mao got the princess, so shoot anything you see moving, then cut its head off."

"How can you so readily believe me?" Rei asked.

"We have. . .experience with these kinds of shenanigans," Shinji stated. "Let me guess, this station belongs to NERV, right?"

"I am not at liberty to discuss that," Rei answered.

"My old man set us up again. I am going to kill my father," Shinji stated. "Or I'm never going to take another anonymous job again. I've yet to decide which."

"You can forget the second," Mao commented. "You'll always do the job for the right money."

"No arguing there," Shinji replied. "Hey Kenny, we're coming back, okay?" He frowned as nobody answered. "Kenny? Kenny, speak up. Hit the tone button if you're there." There was not a sound. "Oh fuck."

"I am going to kill your father," Mao stated.

"Get in fucking line."

(:ii:)

Shinji wrenched the doors to the elevator shaft open and Mao leaned through, sweeping the space beyond with his Merc. "Who are you working for?" Rei asked.

"We're guns for hire," Shinji stated. "Someone hired us to save you, so I'm betting on NERV."

"I see," Rei stated.

"Clear," Mao stated. "I see a few figures down below, but they're got our IFF beacons." Shinji leaned into the shaft and looked down to see a few figures shuffling down the elevator shaft. The computer-generated overlay on his HUD made the figures pulse blue, despite the chemstick they had kept lit for Rei's benefit.

"Right." He glanced back at Rei. "You know what happened to the elevators? We couldn't get the damn things to work."

"The vampires destroyed them to limit our mobility," Rei stated.

"Really?" Shinji asked. "That's weird. It's helped us quite a bit." He slung his Merc over his shoulder and stepped out into the elevator shaft's zero gravity. He grabbed the ladder to anchor himself and waited as Rei climbed in and Mao followed her, letting the doors close behind him. The trip down the shaft was both amusing and quick. They found the rest of the team waiting outside the hatch that led to the third floor. "What are we waiting for?"

"You," Asa stated. "We aren't getting an answer from Bowski and Jalal or Kenny."

"Alright," Shinji growled. "Greaves, get on the door. Open it on my go. Team one enter first. Asa, watch the princess." Greaves pulled himself up so that he was floating upside down over the elevator doors while Shinji's team readied up. "Ready?"

"Set," Shinji's team and Greaves replied.

"Go," Shinji ordered. Greaves ripped the doors apart and Shinji's team swept into the connecting hall. They charged up the hall in a standard tactical column, only to find Jalal and Bowski playing rock-paper-scissors. "Oh for fuck's sake! What the fuck are you two doing?" They turned and stared at him. "Somebody give me some kind of excuse or I'm going to shoot you both."

"Their radios have been destroyed." Shinji turned and saw Rei standing behind him. "The vampires used the same tactics on us."

"Did she say vampires?" someone asked.

"Yup," Shinji replied. "We are dealing with vampires, folks."

"Fuck. Is it just me or are our occurrences of shenanigans increasing?" Asa grumbled.

"Why do you keep saying shenanigans?" Rei asked.

"It's our code word for the really weird shit that seems to happen to only us and no one else," Mao growled. "God damn shenanigans!"

"Must still be pissed about Val Verde," Shinji whispered to Paulsen.

"Wouldn't you?" Paulsen whispered back. "Oh wait, you do have slobbering women chase you around regularly, don't you?"

"It does seem to happen," Shinji replied, "though rarely that hairy." Mao spun and stared at them, apparently having overheard them.

"Speaking of which," he declared, "guess who just happens to know the only women on this space station!" All eyes turned on Shinji.

"What?" he asked. "Don't tell me you're surprised by that. Are you?"

"Fucking figures," somebody grumbled. There was a rather great deal of grumbling after that from everyone else as well.

"Hey!" Shinji turned and saw Mao standing by Bowski and Jalal. "Their radios aren't damaged, they're turned off!" Shinji promptly stalked forward and slammed their helmets together, smiling at the hollow sounds of their heads pinballing around inside said protective devices that filtered over their, now turned on, radios.

"Now where the fuck is that other dumb ass?"

(:ii:)

Fortunately, 'that other dumb ass' wasn't fucking around. Unfortunately, that other dumb ass was missing, his empty rifle thrown on the floor with a loaded magazine near it. "Doc?" Shinji ventured, raising his Merc.

"Hi everybody!" Shinji nearly jumped out of his skin as he spun and found himself pointing his rifle at Doctor Nick.

"Hey Doctor Nick," Shinji replied. "Where's Kenny?"

"They took him," Doctor Nick replied cheerfully.

"Who?" Shinji demanded.

"Them." Shinji turned and found that the good doctor was pointing at a severely mutilated body. He kneeled and inspected it carefully. The body was a mess of missing flesh and lacerations. Perhaps, most heinously, his underwear had been pulled up and over his head, the waistband hooked under his chin.

"An atomic wedgie?"

"That's just wrong," Mao stated.

"Yeah," Shinji agreed as he stared at the man's clothes. Instead of a spacesuit, the man was wearing an, honest to God, Nazi camouflage uniform with Schutzstaffel runes on the collar.

"That one tried to grab me so I had to do terrible, unspeakable things to him," Doctor Nick stated cheerfully. "His friends fled in revulsion when they saw what I was doing."

"Uh. . .good work, I guess," Shinji ventured. He glanced back at Rei. "Why is this guy wearing an SS uniform?"

"A what?" Asa demanded. He walked over and stared down at the body before promptly kicking it several times in the ribs.

"Asa?" Shinji asked. The taller man glanced back at him and chuckled sheepishly.

"Sorry. Jewish knee jerk reaction."

"Ah. I'll allow it." Asa nodded his thanks and landed a few more blows.

"Wait a minute, you did this Doc?"

"Absolutely," Doctor Nick replied.

"Just what the hell kind of doctor are you?"

"Doctor Nick is a multi-PhD," Shinji stated. "He has degrees in applied mathematics, pediatrics, adult medicine and sports medicine."

"And gynecology," Doctor Nick added.

"I didn't know you had your hand in that," Shinji commented in surprise. "So, an SS uniform."

"Forgive me," Rei stated, "I had forgotten to mention that the vampires appear to be Nazis as well."

"Nazi Vampires?" Shinji asked.

"In space!" someone called from the formation.

"What a twist!" a man called as he burst from a side passage. Shinji unloaded two rounds from his M590 into the man's chest and watched him slam back against the wall.

"That is Professor Shyamalan," Rei stated. "He isn't a vampire, though I did think he was dead."

"Not to fear!" Shymalan rasped, blood dripping from his mouth. "I survived the several rounds you put in my chest by complete accident, Miss Ayanami."

"Wonderful," Rei replied dryly. Of course, she said just about everything dryly. Shinji stared at the man and then down at his pistol.

"You didn't engage the tracking," Asa stated in annoyance.

"What?" Shinji asked.

"You're wondering why he didn't blow up," Asa stated. "You didn't engage the tracking system. Without the tracking, the rounds won't detonate." With that said, Shyamalan's torso exploded and Shinji grinned at his second in command.

"I made some modifications," he stated happily. "The timers still need work though."

"I see," Asa deadpanned. Shinji went back to considering his latest nemesis.

"So," he began, "Nazi Vampires in Space."

"That looks to be the size of it," Asa stated.

"I need a new job," Shinji state.

-Intermission

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. Alright folks, its snack and carbonated beverage time again. Part 2 will be up in a day or so with a complete author's notes, so save questions until after. Happy Halloween!


	2. Chapter 2

I don't own anything.

Shinji vs. the Nazi Vampires in Space

Shinji stared at the body in front of him and frowned. "So, what do we know about vampires?"

"They suck?" Asa ventured. There was a good deal of giggling after that.

"Funny," Shinji stated.

"Modern media portrays them all as effeminate, bisexual pussies?" Mao added.

"True," Shinji stated. "Now, how about ways to kill these things?"

"High explosives have yet to fail us," Mao stated.

"We didn't bring any," Asa replied

"There goes our usual method of ignorance, blind luck and high explosives," Greaves commented. Shinji stared at Greave thoughtfully.

"Not necessarily." He turned to Rei. "Do you have a kitchen here?"

"Of course," Rei stated. "It is through that doorway." Shinji glanced back at the doorway. He punched the open button and the door slid easily out of the way despite the apparent power outage.

"This should do." He grabbed Greaves by the scruff of his space suit and tossed the larger man into the room. "And don't touch anything!" he snapped before closing and locking the door.

"What are you doing?" Rei asked.

"Greaves is an idiot savant," Shinji stated. "He can make a bomb out of anything. A kitchen is a culinary wonder land of potential explosives for him."

"Then why did you tell him not to touch anything?" Rei asked.

"He's an American," Shinji answered. His men all made noises of agreement, but Rei still seemed puzzled. "They always do the exact opposite of what you tell them to do."

"We could have simply visited the armory," Rei commented. Shinji perked up immediately.

"What do you have?"

"M1-L1 tripple pulse assault rifles," Rei stated.

"That Chinese piece of shit?" Shinji asked. "Do you guys have any bombs?"

"This is a space station," Rei stated. "We have enough trouble with bored technicians. We do not need them getting their hands of anything that could so easily depressurize this station." Shinji sighed in annoyance and then frowned as the ground under his feet bucked.

"Feels like Greaves is having a good time at least," he commented.

"Yep," Jalal replied.

"I hate shenanigans!" They all paused and glanced over to where Mao was sulking.

"He seems overly distraught compared to the rest of you," Rei commented.

"He's still not over that time in the mountains over Val Verde," Shinji stated.

"Over Val Verde?" Rei asked.

"No, I don't think any of us will be over Val Verde," Shinji stated. "Poor Kenny. He got jumped and he was torn to pieces."

"And he was torn to pieces?" Rei repeated.

"No, Andy got out fine," Asa stated. "Kenny, God rest his soul, was torn to piece. How he lived as long as he did before he croaked was a mystery."

"How he lived?" Rei asked.

"Nope," Shinji answered, "Howie died along with Kenny."

"You had two Kennys?" Rei asked.

"No, we've only ever had the one."

"And Kenny died in Val Verde?" Rei demanded. Shinji nodded. "Then who was just kidnapped by the vampires?"

"Kenny of course," Shinji answered.

"So he's another Kenny?"

"No, Kenny has always been with us."

"He is the same Kenny that went with you to Val Verde?" Rei asked.

"Of course."

"But you said he died." Shinji paused. There was something at the edge of his consciousness. Something about her words was bothering him.

"If he died, how could he just get kidnapped?" Shinji demanded.

"You tell me," Rei returned. "There is a vampire behind you."

"I know," Shinji stated. "He's carrying a white banner. We hoped that if we ignored him, he'd get aggravated and do something stupid. Then we could kill him and still almost be the good guys."

"Ve, are far better trained," the Nazi stated as Shinji turned.

"I have my Jewish buddy here who would like to test that statement," Shinji commented. Asa grinned and cracked his knuckles.

"I come in peace," the Nazi replied. "Herr Commandant would like to speak with you."

"Okay."

"Ikari!" Rei not quite yelled. "They are vampires. You should kill him while you have an advantage in numbers. You cannot fight them one on one."

"Trust me," Shinji stated, "I know exactly what I'm doing." A full on explosion shook the ground and the door to the kitchen bulged out towards them.

(:ii:)

"In here sir," the Nazi stated. Shinji nodded and stepped into the room the Nazi had indicated. Inside it was very posh and well decorated. An old man in full Nazi SS dress regalia rose and smiled as Shinji entered.

"Ah, mein friend," he stated as he seized Shinji's hand. "Welcome, welcome." He glanced around the room. "None to shabby, no? It belonged to the previous commander of this fine facility."

"So, I take it, you're the new commander?" Shinji ventured.

"Until my men and I leave," the Nazi replied. "Ah! But, where are my manners? I am Colonel Von Rall, Commandant of the Letztes Bataillon."

"I'm Shinji Ikari," Shinji stated flatly.

"You are, not military? Von Rall asked.

"Private sector," Shinji stated. Von Rall grinned broadly.

"Excellent!" he declared. "Private troops are so much more creative than national forces. Truly nothing more than animals brought in at someone else's expense."

"Pretty much," Shinji responded. "So, mind me asking, what the hell are you guys doing up here?"

"A good question," Von Rall allowed. "I vonder what you must have thought when you heard that you were dealing with Vampire Nazis in space."

"Dues ex machina?" Shinji guessed.

"What?"

"Nothing," Shinji stated. "Sorry. Please continue."

"Right." Von Rall cleared his throat and Shinji kicked back and relaxed for what was probably going to be a very long back story. "My men and I were volunteers for a secret Nazi project to build an army of immortal, invulnerable soldiers," Von Rall stated. "Ve volunteered because ve vere all war junkies. Well, the war didn't last and neither did the Nazis. After the war, ve traveled around the vorld jumping in every var we could for kicks. Ve heard about this space station and thought, 'fighting in space,' that sounds cool and so here ve are." Shinji glanced up and looked around. That was it?

"That's your whole back story?" Shinji asked.

"Pretty much," Von Rall stated. "Come on, you're here because you thought fighting in space would be pretty cool too, right?"

"Well, there's also more money than God makes on the line," Shinji began, "but there is that too. I mean, I can have business cards with Shinji Ikari, Mercenary of Space!"

"Bit too dramatic," Von Rall stated. "I'd go with Shinji Ikari, Space Mercenary." Shinji scratched his chin and pondered that one.

"You're right." He shot a glance at Von Rall. "Just a suggestion, but if you get caught by one of my guys, the one named Asa, you should probably shoot yourself."

"Jewish?" Von Rall guessed.

"Sayeret Matkal," Shinji stated and Von Rall winced.

"Israeli," he stated. "Yeah. I'll pass that word on." Von Rall sat back down and gestured grandly to the chess board laid out on the table before him. "Now, join me! There isn't a single man in my bataillon that is any good at this game, but I bet my enemy commander will give me a run for my money."

"Okie dokie." Shinji grinned. This wasn't the first time somebody had tried the stupid chess metaphor for battle field abilities. Over many lost games Shinji had discovered the perfect strategy for success. Hell, it was even in keeping with his leadership style!

(:ii:)

Asa glanced up and grinned as he saw his smug boss walking towards them. "You're grinning. That's always a good sign; well, for you. It's usually a bad sign for someone else."

"He tried the chess thing," Shinji stated. Asa winced.

"Did you use your surefire method of victory?" he asked even though he knew Shinji had. The man didn't know a damn thing about chess, but he knew cheating.

"You're damn right I did," Shinji stated.

"The Nazi commander challenged you to chess?" Rei asked.

"It's a big thing with these military brass assholes," Shinji stated. "They all try to show off by using chess as a metaphor for their leadership style."

"And you won?" Rei asked, one eyebrow rising slightly. "How?"

"I picked up the board and beat him with it till it broke!" Shinji declared, giving her the thumbs up. Rei stared at him incredulously. "Hey, when did Kenny get back?"

"Mph," Kenny answered.

"No kidding?" Shinji asked. "How did you get away?"

"We wanted to know too, but we figured we'd better wait for you," Jalal stated.

"Mph," Kenny began and so his amazing, incredible story spilled forth for several minutes.

"Wow," Shinji stated. "That's amazing."

"Yeah," Asa agreed. "I'm seriously impressed."

"I didn't understand a word of that," Rei cut in. "Do you mean to say that you can understand him?"

"It's the accent, isn't it?" Shinji asked.

"Accent?" Rei repeated.

"Yeah," Asa answered. "Kenny's so fucking Irish he bleeds green. I had a hard time understanding him at first to."

"Mph," Kenny said with a shrug. He glanced at Shinji. "Mph?"

"Of course I have a plan," Shinji stated. "Me and Rei are going to the armory to recover as many weapons as possible. Everybody else is going to fortify this position. We'll hold fast until our ride home gets here. Sounds good?"

"Just you and Rei?" Asa asked. Shinji nodded. "No way in hell."

"What, why?"

"You two will disappear for a few hours and show up sweaty and red faced after the big climatic battle," Asa accused. "Just like before."

"Oh, please," Shinji groaned. "Have I ever. . ."

"Twelve times," Asa cut in. Shinji scratched his chin and grinned at the happy memories.

"You guys fell for that twelve times?"

"You're taking Kenny with you."

"Mph!" Kenny cheered. "Mph, mph, mph."

"Watch your mouth," Shinji snapped. "She's part of the job and besides, she's kind of a friend of mine."

"Mph," Kenny stated apologetically.

"That's right, you'd better apologize," Shinji growled. "Now, which way?"

"The armory is in the bottom ring," Rei stated.

"Off we go," Shinji stated happily, readying his Merc.

(:ii:)

"So, what have you been up to Rei?"

"I am not at liberty to discuss such things," Rei replied.

"Cool." Shinji reached out for the ladder to push himself harder down the main elevator shaft and a shot rang out. He glanced up and saw Kenny tangled in the ladder rungs over head. "Do I have to confiscate your magazines again?"

"Mph," Kenny grunted. Shinji sighed and shook his head. He felt a tug at his shoulder and glanced over to see Rei floating beside him in the shaft's zero gravity.

"What's up?"

"That is the second time your man has almost shot you," Rei whispered into the microphone on the side of Shinji's helmet.

"You're right," Shinji whispered back. "Do you happen to have a still aboard?"

"A still?" Rei asked, a little too loudly.

"Mph?" Kenny demanded eagerly.

"Alright boozehound, you're on point," Shinji ordered. Kenny managed to look dejected in his armor so Shinji grabbed him by the ankle and flung him down the shaft. That done, Shinji turned back to Rei. "You know, a liquor farm?"

"This is a covert government facility," Rei stated, sounding vaguely scandalized.

"In other words, you don't know about a still," Shinji commented. "There's probably one around. That damn Irish bastard can track it by smell."

"You believe that your man is intoxicated?" Rei demanded. Shinji shrugged.

"Wouldn't be the first time," he stated. "Now, let's get going. I'd rather not be caught by the vampires in a small group."

"Right." Rei pushed off the ladder rung and Shinji followed, pivoting to point his rifle back the way they had come. They reached the bottom quickly and moved out into the ring beyond.

"My men searched this area, and found most of it blocked off," Shinji stated.

"The armory takes up most of the ring," Rei explained. "I have the access codes." They came upon the large door that had barred Shinji's men and Rei punched in a code to open the door. Shinji pushed her back gently and stepped over the threshold and into the room beyond sweeping, the room with his Merc.

"Clear." Rei stepped past him and pushed a switch on the wall, turning on the harsh overhead lights. Shinji tugged off his helmet and looked around himself rather happily.

"Not bad. Are those shotguns?"

"Yes," Rei stated as she moved among the racks of multi-barrel assault rifles. "They are emergency suspect control." Shinji took one of the shotguns off the wall and grinned.

"Old American. Nice." He found a box of shells and grinned. "Birdshot."

"It is safer than buck or slugs," Rei stated. "They both have too much power and would hole the station."

"That too," Shinji commented as he shoved boxes of shells into the pouches on his suit. "I was just thinking of all the fun one can have with bird shot, or rock salt. Yeah, rock salt in a shotgun is fun."

"Watch out for the doors," Rei suggested, "they close automatically and rather violently." Another gunshot rang out and Shinji felt something tug at his helmet. He reached up and felt a deep scratch on the side of his helmet where his radio was. He turned slowly and saw the muzzle of Kenny's Merc pinned between the doors.

"You damn idiot," Shinji growled. "You shot my radio." He punched the button for the door and it slid open to reveal a frustrated Kenny. Shinji grabbed the man by the throat of his spacesuit and slammed him into the wall. "Give me your damn magazines." Kenny grumbled and forked over all his magazines. "Good." He dropped Kenny and walked over to where Rei was unlocking the racks on the walls.

"Freaking Chinese trash."

"They are effective," Rei stated.

"Ever try shooting someone with them?"

"No."

"Figures." Shinji picked up one of the weapons and checked it over. It looked like it had never been fired. He pivoted to show Kenny the weapon when the man stumbled past where he had been and slammed into the rack of assault rifles. "Jesus Christ Kenny. You have been drinking, haven't you?"

"Mph," Kenny whimpered as he sank to the ground. Shinji rolled him onto his back and stared at the knife handle protruding from his chest.

"Now how the hell did you do that?" Shinji felt a hand on his shoulder and glanced back only to come face-to. . .well. . .tits with Rei's rather nice bare asset. "Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

"I was changing into a space suit," Rei stated. "I believe your man was trying to stab you."

"Kenny?" Shinji asked, jerking his hand at his man as he used his other hand to pull the knife out. "Yeah right."

"The vampires took him," Rei stated.

"And he escaped," Shinji stated. "Remember his amazing story?"

"Right," Rei drawled. "It is still possible that he is lying."

"Trust me, Kenny isn't trying to kill me," Shinji stated confidently.

"Why are you so sure?" Rei demanded.

"I'm sure because Kenny isn't stupid," Shinji answered. "Even if he was a vampire, he'd know that if I caught him trying to kill me, I'd do such horrible things to him that he'd wish the vampires tortured him. Right, Kenny?"

"Mph," Kenny whimpered, nodding weakly. Something overhead creaked and Shinji slowly drew his M590.

"What's wrong?" Rei asked.

"Something." Shinji grabbed Rei and jerked her out of the way as the overhead ventilation shaft gave way. He fired two rounds into the man who had fallen out and promptly opened fire, putting a single explosive round in the vents every few feet. The first rounds went off and the man promptly exploded. They were quickly followed by the other rounds. "Damn I'm good." Shinji grinned as he watched blood drip out of the ruined ventilation shaft in several areas. "Right Rei?" He glanced down and felt an eyebrow rise as he saw the color gracing Rei's cheeks. "You okay?"

"Of course," Rei stated as she stepped back, raising an arm to hide herself.

"Are you blushing?"

"No," Rei stated as she finished stripping and pulled on a black armored space suit.

"Alright." Shinji glanced around feeling surprisingly awkward, until his eyes fell upon something in the corner. "What is that?" Rei followed his line of sight.

"That's the prototype Bio-Force Gun," Rei stated. "It was developed in secret and we had to eliminate the designed when we found out." Shinji lifted the massive weapon from its cradle. "It is far too dangerous to use in a space station."

"You never know when you'll need overkill," Shinji returned, "or when you'll get the opportunity to use it."

"Now may be a good time." Shinji turned and saw Nazis filing into the armory.

"Button up," Shinji ordered as he pulled on his helmet.

"Hello again, Mister Ikari," Von Rall stated.

"Yo," Shinji replied. "How's the head?"

"A bit tender," Von Rall gritted, touching his bandage wrapped head. "All the damage is healed, but I have one hell of a headache." He glanced down at Kenny. "You disappoint me. You were to be my ace of the hole."

"Kenny!" Shinji snapped.

"Mph!" Kenny protested, shaking his head vigorously.

"What do you mean I'm lying?" Von Rall demanded.

"Mph," Kenny stated, pointing at Shinji.

"Oh, for God's sake," Von Rall groused, "you're a vampire now! Stop being such a wimp."

"Mph," Kenny stated.

"What do you mean I don't know him the way you do?" Von Rall asked. Shinji glanced around. There were a lot of automatic weapons pointed at him and Rei. He'd be long dead before he could bring his new toy up.

"Shit." He wrapped an arm around Rei and drew her close enough to press his helmet to hers to use the suit-to-suit communication. "Hold on tight. I have a plan."

"You do?" Rei asked.

"Trust me," Shinji stated. "I know exactly what I'm doing." That said, he pulled the trigger on the BFG.

(:ii:)

"Did you feel that?" Asa glanced around and kneeled so he could press his hand against the floor.

"Yeah. Greaves is busy," Jalal replied with a shrug. "Do you think we've enforced the barriers enough?"

"As well as possible," Asa stated. "That wasn't Greaves. That was somewhere else in the station."

"So, the Nazis are blowing shit up," Reinhardt commented, "big fucking deal."

"Who else is out there?" Asa pressed.

"Yeah, that probably was Shinji," Mao stated. Asa nodded and tried his radio, but didn't receive any answer.

"What's the range on these things?"

"If his radio is on, you should be able to talk to him," Bowski stated. "Think he killed off Kenny so he and the blue-haired chick could have some private time?"

"Wouldn't put it past him," Asa replied. He glanced around at the roughly square-shaped corral they had built out of everything they could get their hands on. "Alright, we've got three hours until the shuttle comes back around." Then they all jumped as someone pounded on the airlock.

"What the fuck?" Jalal squealed in a tone better suited for a little girl.

"Someone's out there," Mao stated.

"No shit Sherlock," Asa shot back. "Do Nazis knock?" A pattern of knocks rang out. "More importantly, do they knock Shave and a Hair Cut?" He glanced at the door and frowned as he saw Doctor Nick returning the knock of Two Bits. "Ah fuck, it's probably Shinji."

"How'd he get out there?" Mao asked.

"He's Shinji. Line up. Mao get the door." Asa readied his Merc as the team's Chinaman punched the open key and Shinji walked in.

"Hey guys."

"Where's Kenny?"

"He's a vampire," Shinji stated as he dropped a big gun on the deck.

"Where are the rest of the weapons?"

"We had complications," Shinji answered. "Time to let Greaves out of his cage." He marched to the door and opened it. "Oh Christ." Asa glanced over his boss's shoulder and sighed at what he found. The kitchen was a complete and total disaster. Greaves was sitting amongst the chaos with a heavy pan on his head, happily whacking it with a large wooden spoon and chanting "Greaves is a good boy."

"I know I should have expected this," Asa began, "but. . ."

"Yeah," Shinji stated. "Doesn't make it any less disturbing." He kneeled and scooped up something from the floor. "How the hell did he make plastic explosives in a kitchen?"

"American," Asa answered with a shrug. Shinji nodded and stared at the heavy blocks of malleable explosives.

"I was kind of hoping he'd make actual useable weapons though, not just bombs."

"Come on," Asa protested. "We're all ex-Spec Ops. If anybody knows how to play with plastic explosives, it's us." Shinji stared contemplatively at the bombs before something evil wriggled into his mind. He reached into the pockets of his suit and pulled out one of the boxes of birdshot shells he had taken. "Birdshot?"

"Yep," Shinji replied with a grin. He saw Asa's eyebrow rise.

"You aren't thinking what I think you're. . ."

"Oh yeah," Shinji interrupted.

"Birdshot claymores," Asa commented.

"Yep."

"Damn, it was worth coming here just for that."

"Yep. Let's get to work."

(:ii:)

Von Rall's ears would not stop ringing. "God damned decompression."

"What?" Lieutenant Wagner asked loudly.

"What?" Von Rall demanded.

"Huh?"

"Gentlemen." They both turned to look at the scout.

"What?"

"Gentlemen!" the scout bellowed, cutting through the ringing. "They have fortified a position on the third ring."

"Awaiting their ride home?" Wagner commented thoughtfully. "When would that be, Kenny?"

"Mph," Kenny answered. Von Rall nodded and rubbed his chin as he considered that.

"Perhaps Mister Ikari's performance in the chess game was more telling than I thought," he wondered aloud. "His command style certainly in brash, reckless, and against just about all rules of fair play."

"We should lay siege to them immediately," Wagner stated.

"Mph!" Kenny returned, shaking his head. "Mph, mph, mph, mph."

"What kind of idiot would bring high explosives to a space station?" Wagner demanded.

"You don't know this guy," Von Rall stated. "He would. I wouldn't doubt that he would blow himself up and call it a victory. Hell, the bastard's Japanese. Remember those kamikaze nutters?"

"I'd hate to remind you, but we were going to do the same, sir," Wagner commented.

"Oh please, like we'd get enough volunteers. We'd probably get a few, but you're never going to get westerners to come round to that whole 'for the greater good' bullshit," Wagner replied. "Westerners are selfish like that."

"True," Wagner agreed. "So, bombs?"

"Mph," Kenny answered.

"What do you mean they didn't bring any?" Von Rall demanded. "Where the hell are they going to get bombs in space then, Walmart?"

"Mph. Mph, mph, mph," Kenny explained.

"Oh," Von Rall growled, "an American."

"Mph?" Kenny asked.

"You're damn right I hate Americans!" Von Rall snapped. "They ruined my favorite war! I was just minding my own business, conquering Europe and Africa and then along comes the God damned Americans. Who the hell invited them?"

"I believe it was the Japanese," Wagner replied.

"Damn Japanese," Wagner grumbled. "What the hell has history taught us? Don't piss off the Americans. You can mock them all you want, but once you actually bump a few off, they destroy your damn country!" Von Rall sighed and lit a cigarette. "So, what kind of barricades?"

"The cobbled together kind," the scout reported. "They grabbed everything they could get there hands on and duct taped it all together. I doubt we have anything that'll actually shoot through it."

"Looks like we're just going to have to over whelm them," Wagner commented.

"Looks like," Von Rall agreed. "Ready mein bataillon! We're actually going to get to fight in space instead of just slaughtering lab rats."

(:ii:)

Shinji glared down at his newly confiscated prize and cursed. "You piece of shit!"

"It was a prototype," Rei offered.

"It only fired one shot," Shinji protested. He kicked it a few more times and than readied his Merc. "Fucking BFG." Beside him, Rei calmly readied her own M1-L1. "When they come, you stay down."

"You will need my help," Rei stated.

"Not that I don't appreciate it, but we've been in tougher scrapes," Shinji stated. "We're expendable, you're not."

"You aren't expendable, Shinji," Rei stated quietly. "I would be saddened if anything happened to you." Shinji had to smile.

"Thanks, Rei. That means a lot to me."

"Ladies and gentlemen," Asa began, "we are about to fight for our lives against what is probably a force of vastly superior numbers. Can we stop flirting?"

"Shut up Asa," Shinji ordered. He glanced up at the ventilation shafts overhead. "Think they'll come through the vents?"

"Why are you asking me how Nazis think?" Asa demanded. "And you would like it if they came through the vents, wouldn't you?"

"With the little surprises up there?" Shinji asked. "Of course. Wouldn't you?"

"I thought that goes without saying," Asa stated. "You hear that?" Shinji pulled off his helmet and listen intently. What he heard made him grin.

"Hunker down folks, they're coming!"

"How do you know?" Rei demanded.

"I can hear them in the vents," Shinji answered. Rei frowned and listened carefully.

"I can't hear them," she stated.

"They're still a little ways off," Shinji answered. "Me and Asa have really good hearing." Shinji settled in, his Merc propped up on top of the barricade as he slipped his helmet back on. "Remember, headshots folks. We want them dead, not crippled."

"What about the guys in the vents?" Asa asked.

"A couple will be killed," Shinji answered with a shrug. "The crippled ones will mostly be for our amusement." Above them the sounds of bodies being dragged along grew progressively loudly. And then. . .

"Hey, what's that?" somebody whispered.

"Ah fiddlesticks." The explosion, sadly, covered up any more witty observations. The ventilation shafts a few yards away from the barricades were promptly shredded and dumped half a dozen bodies onto the ground.

"Holy shit," Asa stated. Shinji was laughing to hard to comment.

"Mein leg!"

"Mein blood! He blew out all mein blood!"

"Does anybody else wonder why the Nazis are all speaking English with German accents instead of German?" Mao asked.

"No," Shinji answered truthfully. He lined up and killed the crippled Nazis. "That takes care of the skirmishers, now where. . .duck!" Shinji threw himself flat as bullets burned over his head.

"You were saying?" Asa asked.

"Open fire!"

(:ii:)

"Ve believe they are out of ammo, sir."

"Maybe," Von Rall replied as he peeked around the corner. Down the hallway he could see the scorched, pockmarked rise of the mercenaries' barricade. Before it laid the twisted, bloodied bodies of many of Von Rall's men, finally at rest from their long war.

"They haven't fired a shot for three minutes," Wagner stated. "Ve know that several, if not all are badly injured."

"I see." Von Rall stepped out into the hall. "Ikari? Are you alive?"

"Peachy!" Shinji's voice called back.

"Oh, good," Von Rall stated. "What say you surrender now? You and your men have greatly impressed us and ve would like to offer you a position in mein bataillon."

"That sounds cool," Shinji answered. "If we weren't on a job right now, I'd probably take you up on that." Von Rall had to smile. The man had balls.

"Look around you Ikari, your job is a failure. There is no way you can win." Shinji peaked over the battered barricade.

"Normally, I'd agree, but my business cards are on the line here and Shinji Ikari, Space Mercenary sounds better than Shinji Ikari, Undead Space Nazi." Von Rall frowned and considered that.

"That's catchy," he stated. "I need business cards. Von Rall, Undead Space Nazi."

"I'd go with, Von Rall, Undead Nazi of Space," Shinji stated. Von Rall pondered that.

"Yeah, you're right. So, anyway, vhat say you?"

"Do I have to use that stupid accent?"

"Kind of goes vith the whole Nazi thing," Von Rall stated, "so, yeah."

"I'm going to have to say no." With that, Shinji spring to his feet and fired. Burning pain roared across Von Rall's face and he was thrown to the ground. Wagner grabbed him and quickly dragged him back into cover.

"Mein face! Mein face! That fucker shot me in the face!"

"It's okay sir," Wagner stated.

"What are you talking about, Vagner. . ."

"Wagner," Wagner interrupted.

"What?"

"Wagner, not Vagner."

"Look, we have to use the accent so it's Vagner." Wagner sighed in defeat. "Anyway, he shot me in mein face!"

"It's okay sir," Wagner repeated. "The damage isn't bad." Von Rall reached up and found that the damage really wasn't that bad. He felt something caught in his cheek and quickly dug it out, only to find a tiny metal ball.

"Birdshot?" he demanded. He ran back around the corner. "You shot me in the face with birdshot?"

"Just call me Dick Cheney, baby!" Shinji stated. Von Rall turned back to Wagner.

"Slaughter them all!"

(:ii:)

"Was it worth it?" Asa asked.

"Yep," Shinji stated as he pumped his Merc's attached shotgun and ejected the spent shell. "Well, that's our last round."

"Maybe we should have gone with the whole Nazi Vampire thing," Mao commented. "That doesn't sound so bad."

"Yeah, maybe." Shinji scratched his chin. "Prepare for hand to hand!"

"They are vampires!" Rei snapped in an uncharacteristic shriek. "They'll tear your apart Shinji! It's suicide!"

"Oh, that's right. Worry about him," Asa grumbled. "The rest of us will do just fine."

"Trust me," Shinji stated. "I know exactly. . ." He was promptly interrupted as a pair of Nazi vampires tackled him from behind.

(:ii:)

"We have them subdued, sir!"

"Accent," Wagner interrupted.

"Sorry," the sergeant standing before them stated. "Ve have them subdued, sir!"

"Excellent," Von Rall stated as he marched out into the hallway. Shinji and his entire group had been set on their knees with their hands bound behind them. They were a bloody mess. "Ah, Mister Ikari. No smart jokes now? No last minute sneak attacks?"

"Actually, yes," Shinji stated with a grin.

"Silence you!" the Nazi behind Shinji stated, smacking the man with the butt of his rifle. Von Rall fell back a step.

"Sir?" Wagner asked.

"That's the same smile he had right before he beat me senseless with the chessboard," Von Rall stated.

"Weren't his eyes blue before?" Wagner asked. Von Rall stared at the man's golden eyes as his grin stretched inhumanly wide to show off a mouthful of fangs.

"Ah fiddlesticks," Von Rall grumbled. "Fucking werewolves. Now that's just cheating."

"Don't you mean verevolves?" Wagner asked.

"That too."

(:ii:)

Rei watched silently as Shinji stretched his arms over his head and wiped at the blood around his mouth. "Asa. That guy's dead. You can stop now." The massive beast nearby growled and continued tugging at the dead Nazi's intestines.

"You. . .you're. . .you're all. . ."

"Werewolves?" Shinji supplied. Rei nodded.

"How?"

"Val Verde," Shinji stated. "By the time we chased that bitch down we were all out of ammo, so we did the only thing we could do. We jumped on her and beat her to death. Turns out that wasn't a very good idea considered that werewolves pass on lycanthropy through their bite. Well, we got off easy. Poor Kenny."

"The Kenny that is dead over there? Rei asked, pointing to the headless body of Shinji's turncoat.

"That's what you get you bastard!" Shinji announced, promptly ignoring Rei's question. He glanced at his watch. "Alright, people, everyone suit up. Our ride should be here soon."

"Yeah!" Doctor Nick announced. Rei noticed that all of Shinji's werewolf mercenaries were giving the blood-covered human a wide berth of space. Rei couldn't blame them after seeing what the man had done to some of their attackers.

"I need a vacation," Rei stated, massaging her temples.

"Have you ever been to Amsterdam?" Shinji asked. Rei glanced over at the man and smiled slightly.

"No, but I've heard its lovely this time of year."

"Oh it is," Shinji stated. "I'll give you the grand tour when we get planet side. Where would you like to start?"

"Your apartment sounds like as good a place as any," Rei stated.

"Fucking typical," Asa grumbled.

-End

(:ii:)

-Author's notes. And there you go. The end to another chapter of Shinji vs. X. Props to Neferius. I knew I was going to do another of these, but when I saw "Shinji Ikari vs. the Nazi Vampires in Space" I knew it had to be done.

Anyways, another November 10th and another birthday down. Two hundred and thirty three years. And for those of you wondering; no, this is not my birthday. It's the birthday of the Marine Corps and in true Marine tradition, the party was grand.

I was designated drunk (anyone surprised?) so I got pretty plastered. I stuck with Captain and Coke this year. Jack Daniels may be my first love, but he makes me grouchy. Captain makes me friendly. In keeping with tradition, my friends and I attempted to drink the location of our ball out of rum. We failed for the first time in three years, but not for lack of trying. I just think that the firefighters at the hall where we had the birthday ball this year heard about us and stockpiled, or they had to tap their stash.

I also did several shots in salute to our glorious Corps. My friends ordered so it wasn't Jack Daniels, but I must say, Soco and Lime is good. Almost no burn, but still good. And Granddad's Whiskey is pretty good too. I also enjoyed several decent cigars. If you see a picture of a Marine in full blues with a drink in each hand and a cigar in his mouth, yeah, that's probably me.

We also had a poster board set up with pictures from our guys in Iraq. It was good to see they're all safe. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but my unit deployed a platoon to Iraq earlier this year. I didn't make it, though not for lack of trying. I had to finish up my MOS training even though most of our guys over there aren't doing their MOS.

Anyways, for all the Jarheads and Fleet Marine Docs and Preachers out there, Happy Birthday!

And now for something completely different.

(:ii:)

Omake!

"Open this door, Shinji!" Yuki growled and continued to pound on the door in front of her. Her boss, technically, had decided to be difficult again. "I know you're in there Shinji!" She heard multiple deadbolts unlatch and the door cracked open.

"What do you want?" Shinji demanded. Yuki was having none of that. She shoved her way into the room.

"I have a new job for you," Yuki stated. She turned and raised an eyebrow at her boss's nudity. "No clothes o'clock again?"

"Not exactly," Shinji stated. "I'm still in the middle of my vacation and you can go fuck yourself if you think I'm taking another job so soon."

"But this is one of our few loyal clients," Yuki protested.

"The French?" Shinji asked. "They're back again? I thought the Germans stomped their ass."

"The Germans did stomp their ass," Yuki stated. "But that's what you get for leaving the French army to protect the homefront."

"Well, the Foreign Legion couldn't be in two places at once," Shinji stated. "Poor bastards. Cut off and surrounded in the middle of a Russian winter. That's happened too many times to good armies."

"Yeah."

"Shinji?" Yuki turned and saw an amazing looking naked blue-haired woman walk into the room. She remembered that the woman was the one that Shinji had been sent to rescue. "Is this thing on right?" Yuki stared at the fifteen-inch black rubber cock standing out from woman's groin.

"I think so, Rei," Shinji answered. Yuki turned back to Shinji.

"I knew you were into some weird shit, Shinji, but I never thought about this."

"Huh?" Shinji asked intelligently. He glanced at Rei and then down at her strap on. "Oh. No!"

"No?" Yuki repeated, an eyebrow raising.

"No," Shinji stated firmly. The bathroom door opened and two girls walked out in Asian school girl outfits. They looked suspiciously identical.

"Uh," Yuki said brilliantly. Asian school girl twins? She spun and grabbed Shinji by the shoulders. "Shinji, you have got to let me join in."

"Join in?" Shinji repeated. "As in, have a fivesome?"

"Yeah," Yuki stated.

"Aren't you gay?"

"I'm bisexual," Yuki stated in annoyance.

"Then why does everyone think you're gay?" Shinji asked.

"Because you started that rumor, you ass!" Yuki snapped. "Anyways, you have twin Asian school girls. You have to let me in."

"What do you think, girls?"

"I'd hit that," one of the sisters stated.

"Same," the other said. Shinji grinned and grabbed Yuki, bending her over the bed and pinning her in place.

"Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Do you remember what I taught you about anal sex?"

"Anal. . ." Shinji clapped a hand over Yuki's mouth before she could continue. She shuddered as she felt the blue haired woman lift her skirt and something poke against her backdoor.

"I remember," Rei stated. She leaned over Yuki and bit her earlobe. "Squeal like a piggy."

(:ii:)

"I don't remember you telling her to squeal," Angelica commented.

"I didn't," Shinji stated. "That's just Rei. She's full of surprises."

"She is squealing," Alicia added. "And making a mess. That's one hell of a wet spot. I think you're going to have to burn those sheets."

"Probably," Shinji replied. "Now where the hell is my camera?"

-End

Omake notes. Why? Because I know you guys wanted it. Oh, and I don't own the 15 IBRC. It belongs to one of my favorite writers. You can thank Raa for that one.


End file.
